How did this become me?

Journal Entry: Monday November 27, 2006

The cold air circles around me infiltrating all the very exposed vulnerable wounds. They are frail and timid and paranoid with the fact that they can not defend themselves any longer, nor hide beneath a once strong shield. I look around me and see the crowds pass by me. Some with their loved ones feeling sheltered and warm. In their coordinated matching attire appearing as cozy couples, she grabs his arm extra tight to redefine over and over again in her head that she is indeed protected and supported. Others, running to the next bar with their friends are dressed to perfection, or at least exploding as magnets for attention. Maybe they too are not confident in their own skin but at least they can play the role that they are indeed strong and free. A young female banters back and forth with some thugs claiming to be from “ the dirty south.” At least a difference in age of fifteen years, the young naive little Latina thinks she’s sassy and does not see the danger that potentially lays ahead. He continues to aggressively flirt, luring the young one to leave with him, while his partner devilishly smiles at the potential and possibilities that may lay ahead for he and his friend tonight.
I see and hear all the action that is flying by me, coming and leaving the mall, and getting in and out of cars, but I am not really present or a part of all the commotion. I don’t really blend because my presence is ever so foreign. They don’t know how to act around me so they act as if I don’t exist. My incapacity to function in the acceptable manner of a human being is intimidating to them, so they turn the other way. Or is it all within my frame of mind that makes me feel this way due to the sudden shift in my life. I thought I was only physically traumatized so why does my brain juggle around like marbles and make me feel so hopeless? I want to believe that everything will heal and my strength will grow stronger than before but clearly there is that terrifying inevitable chance that I may be stuck outside the world I once lived in, forever. I realize at that moment that I can not be the free person I once was because my power has been stripped from underneath me and replaced with a crippled broken body. Should I be disappointed in myself that I am not fixing the problem and don‘t know how to win this battle? The chilling vulnerability rises within me like a lit flame and the physical scars become ever so pungent in the cold air of this mall. And for the first time I am frightened with the reality that this is me, not some friend of a friend that you heard of the accident through and thought you knew how to sympathize with and soothe their pain. Wake up call, you are that friend or acquaintance talked about to others of how horrific of an ordeal you must be going through! They can not alleviate your pain but you mask it well to make them feel better . Everything continues to spin around you at the speed of light that you just can’t keep up with anymore. Your worst fear, you are vulnerable, codependent, exposed and at everyone’s mercy to handle you the way they please. Feel sorry for yourself, let the tears well up choking your throat while sliding down your cheeks because nobody can fix you, not even yourself this time.