Seedy Geneva

I would like to take the time to thank all of my friends and family who repeatedly told me not to plan everything out like I usually do when going to Europe and just do everything spontaneously. Taking your advice, Erica and I decided to go on a whim to Geneva from Zermatt, Switzerland. We figured hey you know what, we are normally so good about planning and having a general outline of what we want to see so why not stop in Geneva for two nights before we go to France. With no reservations or even a map of where to go exactly, we were confident we would find reasonable accommodations. So off we go lugging our enormous suitcases around the central area of the city. Did I mention that my suitcase was so damn heavy that I had to send twenty pounds of it back to Oma’s from Interlaken and as a consequence of my stupidity most certainly had to pay a pretty penny for the shipping? Unfortunately, we had not eaten since this morning, were extremely hung-over from our late night of boozing in the snowboarding village of Zermatt, and looked like two haggard tourists. Oh and most of the restaurants were closed because it was Sunday. Yippee, everyone knows what a peach I can be when I am starving! Fortunately before resorting to chewing my finger off because I was so hungry, we found a little whole in the wall Thai place priced like a fine dining French restaurant. After getting some yummy grub in our empty bellies it was definitely game time in terms of finding a hotel quick, at a reasonable price, and half way decent looking. Well you know you are not in Kansas anymore Toto when you look around and see one sex shop or strip club after another, run down hotels, a prostitute working it on the street, along with creepy men making remarks in French as you walk by. We probably looked into at least twelve hotels and after seeing one over priced shit hole after another, I was getting quite fed up. Before heading back to the original hotel that was decent, I figured hey, why not try this last one on the corner by the train station. It looked like a dump from the outside but at this point they all did so I had Erica wait across the street with the luggage while I ran in to see the availability and try and get them to fade down on price. I should have listened to Erica shaking her head saying hell no to this dump but stubborn me, open the lobby door and nearly gag when I smell the pungent aroma of old queasy farts mixed in hot air. Feeling nauseous? Before entering too much further into the lobby I notice an old man who must be the owner sitting towards the back right of the lobby area in the lounge section chilling in his wife beater shirt on smoking a cigar with an enormously large pit bull by his side. Two seconds later my life flashes before my eyes because the pit-bull aggressively growls and barks at me and starts running towards me. Have you ever had a dream in which you know a big animal is coming towards you to eat you or someone is trying to kidnap you, and although the escape door is only two feet away, you physically can’t move your legs or even manage to scream out loud for help? Well, as I see this monster coming at me not listening to his owner yelling at him to stop, I manage to quickly sprint as fast as my paralyzed legs could move the hell out of the hotel into the middle of the street and across four lanes of traffic to safety. Erica witnessing me running out of a hotel screaming, is laughing across the street having no idea that I was about to have my arm bitten off. She says to me, “Why are you screaming? Was the hotel that dirty”? At this point I realized I had literally been screaming half way across the street mumbling gibberish about some big dog and their were a bunch of curious pedestrians staring at me like I must be smoking rocks. Now anyone that really knows me is fully aware that I am a huge big dog lover and am never afraid of them. But hello people I was not about to attempt the scene in Lethal Weapon in which Mel Gibson breaks into a house and manages to make buddies with a huge rotweiler who was about to attack him and then roll around the ground with it. Yes, I will admit that one time I was a little intoxicated and decided to roll around with a gigantic pit bull named Zeus and he could have easily bitten my ear off but, that was one time people, and to my defense, he was my friends dog. So across the street I turn my head back expecting to see the dog chasing after me and instead I see the old stinky man looking out the front door with a confused look as to why I ran away screaming. At this point it was a good thing we were already walking away because I was so infuriated that I was seeing red and smoke was shooting out of my ears that I almost wanted to barge over to him and kick him directly in the balls. He could have at least put his cannibal monster on a leash.
After getting back to the original hotel in which the attendant with the pretty blue eyes who was very kind agreed to offer us a special rate, I managed to bargain him down an additional few buckaroos and called it a night. Or wait not exactly meaning that we stayed in, but more like we headed over to a bar in which I felt like we were brought back in time from the future because from the furniture décor to the Journey music loudly playing, to the high water hammer looking pants, to the bright neon lights, I actually think we were sent back in time for an 80’s flashback. Even the color of the leather chairs were bright blue purple and red with gold lining. After enjoying hearing and seeing the diverse scene of elegant blacks in collard shirts and scarves speaking French, to hip hop addidas wearing Spaniards, loud and crazy Italians, to scrunchie wearing Swiss French people within the bar back in 1985, we decided to renter 2007 and head over to a pub by our hotel. While getting a kick out of watching poor Erica try to explain with sign language what she wanted to order to the bar tender, we noticed a large squawking noise coming from the back. Their was a very old Swiss French woman loudly cursing and at the same time appearing to be flirting to a group of men trying to watch the soccer game. I know how beautiful French can sound but whatever she was saying, was seriously hurting my little ear drums. Nevertheless, to top off our lovely experience of Geneva I got see her flash her old saggy breasts to the group of men. Not only did she repeatedly flash them but she continued to do a little shin dig dance in a circle with her breasts flopping around. All we could do is start laughing hysterically and watch in total shock. I think the aged nipple was definitely a sign from up above that it was time to call it a night and get our butts back to the hotel for a good nights rest before getting the fuck out of Geneva!